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I’ve been with my wife for 10 years. We are both 36 years old. We moved in fast and didn’t take time to learn certain things about one another. For example, I watch porn, which she only found out about after we moved in. She had a visceral reaction. She told me it was a dealbreaker for her, no negotiation. I agreed to stop but didn’t. Fast forward 10 years and now I’m medicated for ADHD, which makes it much easier to avoid impulse behaviors like looking at porn. We have come close to divorce over this issue, as well as over how toxic I was before getting treatment for my ADHD. I’ve contributed my share of negativity to the marriage.

Now, as it stands, the agreement we have is that I will not watch porn of any kind. This is where we really start to differ. To her, porn is masturbating to ANYTHING. Looking at porn? Not allowed. Looking at women in bikinis? Not allowed. Coming across something that sexually charges me and masturbating to it? I have betrayed her trust. So, I don’t watch “porn” anymore but I feel extremely resentful about how I am controlled. The latest example of this was when she was helping our kid play a game on a device that had to be connected to Facebook. Mine was connected, and a message came up with a recent conversation. In it, I thanked a friend for being there for me, checking in on me, sending jokes, etc. This friend likes to send funny memes, some of which are risqué. I mentioned that I appreciated his jokes, even the ones that would have “upset my wife.” She is now accusing me of using friends (and memes) as loopholes to get around my promise NOT to look at porn.

I’m so tired. I have so much shame around masturbation now and I feel like I have no privacy. We are about to see another couples’ counselor. Any suggestions for me? —Worried About This Constant Harassment Eroding Relationship

I don’t know exactly what your wife has had to put up with. You mention toxic behavior on your part prior to seeking treatment for ADHD. Toxic energy, toxic actions, toxic toxins—whatever you did, I’m going to assume your bullshit came close to intolerable, WATCHER, and award your wife some points for putting up with your bullshit.

With that said …

Giving up porn is a price of admission some are willing to pay. A person with an otherwise healthy relationship to porn—someone who, like most people, can enjoy porn in moderation, someone who can use porn without neglecting their partner sexually and/or being inconsiderate about their partner’s feelings—sometimes falls in love with a person who, for whatever reason, can’t stand the idea of their partner watching porn. Some people have sensitivities, others have insecurities; some on the Left have political objections, some on the Right have religious objections. Giving up porn is not something I would ever agree to, but a reasonable person might agree to stop watching porn (or pretend they’ve stopped watching porn) for someone they love.

But if the person who insisted their partner stop watching porn later defines absolutely everything as porn—porn itself, non-pornographic photos, good-looking people walking down the street, memes shared by friends—then it was never about the porn. It wasn’t about their insecurities or their political objections or their precious religious beliefs. It was about control. And the worst thing about controlling people is that they’re never satisfied. No matter how much control a romantic partner gives up, it’s never enough. A controlling person’s demands escalate slowly at the start of a new relationship, WATCHER, when it’s still relatively easy for someone to end things. But once the relationship is harder to exit—once leases have been signed, marriages have been performed, children have been born—the controlling person’s demands not only escalate rapidly, they also tend to become more arbitrary and irrational. (No memes? Really?)

Your wife’s bullshit is intolerable, WATCHER, and you shouldn’t put up with it.

Everyone is entitled to privacy, even married people. Likewise, everyone enjoys a zone of erotic autonomy, even married people. Experiences you fantasize about, when and how you masturbate, things you can safely do without violating your monogamous commitment and/or putting your partner at risk … not only shouldn’t someone try to take those things from you, it’s not in anyone’s power to take those things from you. We can’t police our partner’s fantasies. Ideally, our partners feel safe sharing their fantasies with us and involving us to the extent we can or wish to be involved. But we can’t prevent our partners from looking at whatever they want to look at, provided they’re considerate about when and where, and we certainly can’t stop our partners from thinking about whatever they want to think about, dick in hand or no dick in hand.

Get a divorce. Or get better at telling your wife what she insists on hearing, doing whatever you want when you’re safely in the zone (of erotic autonomy), and covering your tracks. —Dan Savage

P.S. If the last couples’ counselor you saw didn’t turn to your wife at the end of your first session and say, “You’re a fucking psycho,” they sucked at their job.

I am a gay man in a large Canadian city and I have a question about monkeypox. I have been seeing a male escort for several years and have built a friendly relationship with him. We both received the monkeypox vaccine in late June. My question is whether I should stop seeing him while monkeypox is still running rampant. Some further background—he is still advertising for clients online and he’s told me that he’s still sexually active and doesn’t always use condoms. I know he is in a financially precarious situation, which is why he escorts, so I don’t blame him for doing what he must. It pays the bills. I honestly miss him and our intimate connection, but I’m afraid I’d contract monkeypox even though we’re both vaccinated. Should I take a pause in seeing him because he is still having sex with multiple people?  —Worried About Monkeypox

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I’m a 36-year-old married woman who fantasizes about her husband of 10 years being intimate with other women. This isn’t a new thing for me. I’ve fantasized about this for years, but we’ve never acted on it. He is intrigued but afraid that it might somehow damage our relationship. But I’ve done some research on it and it’s something I’m eager to try. (With my husband’s consent, of course!) But in all my research, I’ve found different and sometimes conflicting definitions of what it means to be a “cuckquean.” I’m interested in watching my husband pleasure and be pleasured by another woman in a purely physical way. I’m not interested in being “cheated on.” No flirty texts, no unsanctioned coffee dates. I’ve read accounts of women who are turned on by the humiliation and insecurity of their partner being with others, often women the husband knows “in real life,” either through work or through social life. In my case, I would rather my husband not even know the name of the other woman. And he would only be able to sleep with her with my consent and I would want to be “in control” of the situation. So, what does that make me? Do cuckqueans come in all different proclivities? I feel like the end result is the same—my partner bedding someone else—but my motivation is different from what I’ve seen. —What The Cuck Am I?

“The scenario WTCAI describes sounds more like hotwifing with the gender roles reversed than cuckolding,” says Venus, host of The Venus Cuckoldress Podcast. “She’s interested in hothusbanding!”

Let’s quickly define terms: A man into hotwifing enjoys “sharing” his wife with other men, WTCAI, and a woman into hothusbanding enjoys “sharing” her husband with other women. (All this sharing, of course, is consensual.) Cuckolds, on the other hand, aren’t sharing their wives. They’re being “cheated on” by their wives. And cuckqueans aren’t sharing their husbands. They’re being “cheated on” by their husbands. Cuckolds and cuckqueans, by definition, don’t just wanna see their spouses fucking another person, they also want their partners to humiliate and degrade them. (I put “cheated on” in quotes because the “cheating” is consensual and symbolic; likewise, “sharing” is in quotes above because spouses aren’t property.)

“But cuckolding and hotwifing have a really wide spectrum of practices and dynamics,” says Venus. “Some cucks are submissive and get into degradation and some cucks really aren’t subs or into degradation at all. I don’t see why hothusbanding/cuckqueaning can’t be just as varied. Humiliation, submission, and degradation don’t have to be involved!” 

Venus is right: There are guys out there who call themselves cuckolds but aren’t subs and don’t want to be humiliated or degraded. But I would argue that these guys aren’t cuckolds, WTCAI, just as I would argue that you aren’t a cuckquean. We have lots of words to describe letting your partner fuck other people—open, monogamish, swinging, mate-swapping, hotwifing, hothusbanding, stag and vixen, CNM—but we only have one word to describe letting your partner fuck other people while getting off on being humiliated and degraded: cuckolding. And since most people understand cuckolding to involve humiliation and degradation, telling someone you’re a cuckold when you’re not into those things is like telling someone you’re a power bottom when you don’t like anal or telling someone you’re into impact play when you don’t like having your ass so much as tapped. It confuses rather than clarifies. What’s worse, tell someone you’re a cuckold/cuckquean and they might start degrading you while they’re fucking your partner, which would ruin everything for everybody.

As for setting up a sex date for your husband with an anonymous woman, Venus had a practical suggestion.

“There are a lot more men out there looking for casual sex than there are women,” says Venus, “which makes WTCAI’s fantasy difficult to pull off. But I know a woman whose wife wanted to be blindfolded and then have a group of women come in—all strangers to her—and go down on her. Not an easy fantasy to pull off either! So, they hired a sex worker to facilitate things and it was amazing. Perhaps this would be an ideal solution—hiring a sex worker—because then WTCAI would be in total control.”

Finally, WTCAI, rereading your letter just now … it sounds to me like what you really want to do is … whore your husband out. It’s an expression I’ve heard gay men use to describe setting up an anonymous encounter for their boyfriends or husbands. You find someone you want to see fuck your husband—taking care to find someone your husband would wanna get fucked by—and all your husband needs to know is when and where. Cuckolds and cuckqueans are subs and a sub can “top from below,” as the saying goes, but at least officially a cuck doesn’t have the power. Someone who’s whoring his husband out, on the other hand, has all the power. And that’s what you want, right?

Follow Venus on Twitter @CuckoldressV, and check out her podcast, blog, dating advice, and more at venuscuckoldress.com. —Dan Savage

I am a woman married to a man. Many years ago, I told him that I was attracted to a mutual friend of ours…

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From the end of Roe to the assault on democracy to the climate crisis to the war on Ukraine, it’s all bad news, all the time, for everyone. But the monkeypox outbreak is an extra little helping of bad news specifically for gay and bi men. (More than 96 percent of monkeypox cases have been in gay and bisexual men.) Hey, faggots? If you have a rash or feel like you have swollen glands, stay home. And if you’re sexually active or hope to be soon, get the monkeypox vaccine at your earliest opportunity. In the meantime, here’s a column featuring all gay questions to remind us that gay life isn’t just freaking out about ingrown hairs. —Dan Savage

I’m a mid 50s gay man, married to a man. We’ve been together 30 years. We love each other and have built a great life together, but our sex life is so lackluster it’s nearly extinct. After years of trying to get my spouse to talk about our likes, wants, needs, and differences, and after years making suggestions about how or what we could do either together or apart to improve our sex life, I finally had enough and began having dalliances here and there. I encouraged him to pursue sexual satisfaction where he likes, but his response is always, “I couldn’t do that.”

So, what’s the problem? I’ve always been drawn to Daddy/boy scenarios—it plays into my submissive tendencies—and I recently met a hot Daddy. We’ve been meeting up for six months, we’re both GGG, and the sex is awesome! But my spouse does not know about my relationship with Daddy. I would love for the two of them to meet, as I think they would enjoy each other’s sense of humor and personality, and they are both wonderful men. Is it possible to introduce them so that the three of us could be friends and maybe ease my spouse into opening things up? My spouse and I are both sub bottoms and my Daddy is a gentle Daddy Dom. Do I bring them together or do I keep these two relationships separate? —Lusting After Daddy

If what you’re seeking from me, LAD, is some way to tell your husband you’ve been fucking another man for six months without upsetting him, I can’t help you. He’s most likely going to be upset. Additionally, there’s no way to tell your husband about your recently acquired fuckbuddy without putting your vague DADT agreement at risk.

Now, assuming your husband isn’t an idiot, LAD, he knows you’ve been having sex with other men. When you told him to pursue sexual satisfaction elsewhere, he must have known you planned to do (or were already doing) the same. But there’s a difference between knowing something because you kinda sorta figured, LAD, and knowing something because you were literally fucking told. And there’s a difference between having sex with other men—one-offs, one at a time—and having sex again and again with one man. (Which, during this monkeypox outbreak, is a far safer option for you and your husband than one-offs.) Sexual infidelity is one thing, emotional infidelity is another.

But the odds your husband will leave you—after 30 years—seem slim. And even if he’s upset at first, who knows? If he’s open to meeting your boyfriend/daddyfriend once his anger dissipates, and if he’s attracted to your Daddy Dom and your Daddy Dom is attracted to him, a series of hot threesomes might revive your sexual connection with your husband. Things could also go from not great to truly terrible—you could wind up getting divorced—but things aren’t going to get better on the sexual front without a shake-up, LAD, and telling the truth is a pretty good way to shake things up.

All that said, LAD, telling your husband, “I have a boyfriend, I’d like you to meet him, I think you two might click,” is a big risk and there are no backsies. —DS

I’m a 26-year-old gay man in Arizona. I was with my 38-year-old boyfriend for a year and a half. We were monogamous from the start but when we “laid our kink cards on the table” about six months in (I’m a longtime listener and reader), he “confessed” that he wanted to watch me get fucked by another guy. Or guys, plural. He brought it up literally every time we had sex for a year. Two weeks ago, I got on Grindr (with his OK) to see what was out there. I found a couple and showed him their photos. He was thrilled. We went over to their place, and it felt right, and they both fucked me in front of my boyfriend. My boyfriend—who jerked off and came while watching me get fucked—had a complete meltdown after we left. He called me a bunch of names and accused me of enjoying it too much and broke up with me. I still have my own apartment, thank God, so I took some clothes and left. He says he wants a monogamous relationship now, but not with me because of what happened. I didn’t do anything he didn’t ask me to. I’m heartbroken and filled with regret and can’t stop crying. Was I supposed to fake hating it? Is there any way to salvage this? —Wholly Heartbroken Over Relationship Ending

There’s no way to salvage this, WHORE, but there are two ways of looking at it…

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Gay dude here. What the fuck is up with monkeypox? Do I need to be worried?

Yes, you do. I tried to raise the alarm about monkeypox on the May 24, 2022, episode of the Savage Lovecast, back when there were 100 cases in 15 countries, all of them among gay and bi men. Now there are more than 5,000 cases all over the world, and almost all of them—more than 99 percent of cases—are among gay and bi men.

“Right now, it’s behaving very much like an STI—and almost all of the cases have been among men who have sex with men,” said Dr. Ina Park, a professor at the University of California San Francisco School of Medicine and medical consultant at the Centers for Disease Control Division of STD Prevention.

Monkeypox, Dr. Park explains, is the milder, gentler cousin to smallpox, and is spread by skin-to-skin contact or through respiratory droplets.

“But anyone who comes into close contact with someone who has monkeypox could catch it,” says Dr. Park. “And unlike other STIs, which don’t live for very long outside the body, monkeypox can live for weeks on infected clothing, bedding, and other surfaces—think dildoes, slings, fetish gear—and barriers such as condoms worn over the penis or inside the rectum will protect those areas, but they don’t prevent transmission to other exposed parts of the body. If you notice red painful bumps anywhere on you or your partner’s body—especially the genital/anal area—or if you are exposed to monkeypox, get checked out right away. The sooner you get vaccinated, the better. Check out some resources for monkeypox here.” (And follow Dr. Park on Twitter @InaParkMd.)

Okay, that was a quickie question but a long answer. Now onto quickier quickies. 

How soon is too soon to say “I love you” for the first time? 

On your first date, right after a stranger from an app shows up at your door, during your first threesome with that hot couple you just met at a bar—too soon. Even if you’re already feeling it, even if you’re crazy enough to think they might be feeling it already too, you should wait at least six months to say it. But you know what? Once you’ve said it—once you’ve said “I love you” for the first time—feel free to backdate that shit. Go ahead and say, “I wanted to say it before the entree even came on our first date,” or, “I wanted to say it when you showed up looking better than your pics,” or, “I wanted to say it when you both came inside me simultaneously.”

Is it an overreaction for me, a cis woman who lives in Wisconsin and doesn’t want kids, to not want to have sex with my fiance since the ruling on abortion? I’ve tried to explain to him that it’s a lot to come to terms with.

Each of us grieves in our own way, and at our own pace. If you’re not feeling sexy right now because of the Supreme Court’s decision to overturn Roe v. Wade—if the chance of an unplanned pregnancy in Wisconsin, where a law from 1849 banning abortion can now be enforced, dries you up—that’s totally understandable. And if your fiancé is anxious to get back to penetrative sex, well, pegging counts.

A submissive guy reached out to me via my pretty tame Instagram and wants to send me money and wants nothing in return. Should I say no to this?

In this economy?

New to weed. Best edible for sex?

Ass.

What is it called when a guy jacks off into his own mouth while he’s upside down? Is there a term for that?

I don’t think that has a name. Any suggestions, class?

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I’m a 29-year-old bisexual woman in a nonmonogamous relationship. A few years ago, I wanted to explore my submissive side and met up with a Dom I connected with on a kink site. We had a few drinks and hit it off. We discussed what we were comfortable with and our limits beforehand. I set a few hard limits. In the middle of our first play session, he tried to renegotiate those limits. I said no a few times, but he kept asking and I eventually gave in. I should have ended it there, but it was my first time in a D/s situation, and I think he took advantage of that. The experience left me feeling terrible, but I didn’t communicate that to him at the time and just ended up ghosting him. I have since found a terrific and loving Dominant partner who has thankfully helped me explore my kinks in a way that makes me feel safe and cared for, and I know now that a good Dom ALWAYS respects limits, especially in the middle of play. Recently, I have seen this bad Dom on a few different dating apps and I’ve been thinking about sending him a message letting him know that what he did was wrong. I also worry that more women are going to have their boundaries violated by this guy. Will anything good come from this or should I just let it go? —Bitterly Debating Sending Message 

You were an inexperienced sub when you played with this guy, BDSM, but you don’t say whether he was similarly inexperienced. But even if we give him the benefit of the doubt—even if he didn’t know that attempting to renegotiate limits during a scene is never okay—you have every right to be angry.

“When it comes to D/s dating, the question is almost never about a person’s intentions but rather about the effect,” says Lina Dune, host of the Ask a Sub podcast. “Even if this guy didn’t mean to put BDSM in this awful situation—which, let’s be real, challenging someone’s limits is as fundamentally red-flaggy as it gets—he still did that and BDSM’s feelings matter.”

Since you wound up having to ghost this guy, BDSM, I assume that means he continued to contact you expecting to play again. Which means he either didn’t realize he’d done something wrong, BDSM, or he hoped that you, an inexperienced sub, would continue to submit to his manipulative bullshit, i.e., the consent violations he tried to pass off as consent-seeking “renegotiations” once play had started.

“The burden is never on the victim of bad behavior to change the perpetrator,” Dune says. “But if it would make BDSM feel better to dash off a quick message to him about the definition of ‘hard limits’ and explain how destabilizing it can be for a sub for a Dom to switch things up like this mid-scene, or challenge limits in general, I don’t see the harm.”

If this guy is a bad Dom—if he’s a truly shitty person who can’t be trusted—hearing from you isn’t going to magically turn him into a safe and trustworthy Dom. But it might make you feel better, BDSM, and who knows? Maybe he’ll start to worry about his reputation. After all, you can do more than talk to him … you can talk about him. Now, if he’s the kind of shitty Dom who preys on inexperienced subs, he may not care what people in the kink scene think of him. But if by sharing the details of your lousy first kink experience—here in my column or elsewhere—you inspire other newbie subs to avoid this guy and/or immediately end a scene if some other shitty Dom pulls the same crap, it’ll have been worth the effort.

Lina Dune runs the BDSM meme page @askasub on Instagram, where she gives D/s relationship advice and serves as fairy submother to her 100K followers. She recently released an online course about dating for subs, which is available at askasub.com/subsurvivalguide. —Dan Savage

My husband and I were at a kink event that required pronouns under scene names. My husband is a cross-dresser and wants “he/him” pronouns used when he is presenting as a boy and “she/her” pronouns to be used when he’s presenting as a girl. He does not want to use “they/them.” I suggested he go with “he/she,” but he doesn’t think “he/she” is an appropriate option because he wants people to use the pronouns assigned to what he is presenting as. He doesn’t want to be insensitive to those whose presentation isn’t obviously binary but feels it is obvious when he’s presenting as either masculine or feminine and that it should be easy for people to use the pronouns he would prefer without having to specify them. How do you opt out and ask people to read your current “presenting gender” and apply traditional pronouns in the moment? —Helping Everyone Seeking Help Everywhere

Are we talking name tags here? Because if we’re talking name tags, HESHE, then your husband can wear a “he/him” name tag when he’s presenting as a man and “she/her” name tag when he’s presenting as a woman. But if this is a kink event run by anal weirdos who require attendees to preregister their scenes and list the names of all players involved in those scenes and itemize the pronouns those players intend to use during their scenes and stick to those pronouns under threat of expulsion … then your husband will just have to pick a team, i.e., pick the gender he will present as that night and the pronouns that go with it. —DS

I am a white American cisgender paramilitary-looking heterosexual-seeming guy who happens to be in a polyamorous relationship. In the kink community, I am considered a “service top.” I enjoy group sex with my partner and in a group sex setting I will sometimes play with other men. But I am not interested in playing with men outside of those hyper-sexual situations. How am I supposed to identify? I ask because for those of us who grew up in the 1990s, a person was considered gay if he performed even a single gay act. I am comfortable/confident in myself, and if a guy wants to mess around with me during group sex, I figure it doesn’t hurt me any to make him feel good. I would rate these experiences on the positive side of neutral. I worry that using terms like “heteroflexible” or “mostly straight” contributes to bisexual erasure but calling myself bisexual seems appropriative because I can walk through life with all this heterosexual privilege. I would like to identify as bi because I think it helps normalize it but somehow don’t feel like I make the cut. If you could help me out, I would really appreciate it. —Just Oppressed Enough

I think you’re perfectly entitled to identify as bisexual, JOE. But just to be sure, I got a second opinion from Zachary Zane, the bisexual sex-advice columnist for Men’s Health.

“I often receive questions from bi folks who don’t feel ‘queer’ enough to claim a bisexual label,” says Zane. “Typically, I hear this from cisgender women married to straight cis men who haven’t experienced the same level of oppression as, say, femme gay men in relationships with nonbinary individuals.”

But your own personal experience with oppression—or your lack thereof—doesn’t invalidate your queerness or disqualify you from identifying as bisexual.

“How sad is it that our understanding of queer identity is inextricably linked and dependent on having experienced oppression,” says Zane. “That is so wildly fucked up. Being queer and/or bisexual is about your attraction to genders,” and not about being or feeling oppressed.

“So I would say yes, JOE can identify as bisexual because he enjoys, in certain situations, playing sexually with men,” said Zane. “At the same time, I think JOE can and should also acknowledge his privilege from how he presents—which he’s already doing, and should continue doing—and hopefully, he will use that privilege to support other bisexuals who don’t experience the same hetero-presenting privileges he does.”

Zachary Zane is the co-author of Men’s Health Best. Sex. Ever. Follow him on Twitter @ZacharyZane. —DS

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I’m trying to date again after back-to-back negative relationship experiences. Experiences that have made me question my own judgment and ability to set good boundaries. My friends and therapist all pointed out the red flags, but I was apparently blind to them. I love what you’ve said about how there is no “The One” out there for us, only .72s and .83s, and that we have to “round someone up to The One.” But it seems like I’ve been “rounding up” some numbers that were too low. As things stand now, I’ve never felt so distrustful of people, and I’ve never doubted my own choices so strongly. Basically, my walls have gone up. But I love being in a relationship and I want to be in one again. What things should I be mindful of as I venture back into that world? What’s a good way to be deliberate without moving at a glacial pace? What should I be asking myself as I begin to form new attachments, especially after showing such bad judgment in the recent past? —Understandably Nervous Since Upsetting Relationships Expired

First, let’s put things in perspective: You had two shitty relationships in a row. While that was no doubt unpleasant, UNSURE, and while it’s understandable you might hesitate to put yourself back out there, two shitties in row isn’t evidence your judgment is flawed. Very few of us can say we haven’t had two shitty relationships in a row, if not more. A shitty person is often the common denominator in a string of shitty relationships, but sometimes shitty relationships happen to good people—and sometimes they happen with good people, i.e., a shitty relationship can happen without a shitty person being involved.

Still, there’s shitty, and then there’s spectacularly shitty. There are also shitty patterns. If you keep picking the same basic kind of shitty person and/or making the same basic kinds of shitty mistakes—such as ignoring red flags, committing too soon, or “working on it” too long—then you need to make changes.

And the single most important change you can make—the thing you can do differently as you head back into the dating world—seems obvious to me, my readers, your friends, and your therapist: Listen to your friends and your therapist! They saw the red flags, UNSURE, and pointed them out. The problem wasn’t that you couldn’t see those red flags—you’re not blind—but that you looked away and/or attempted to explain them away. (I’m not blind to the fact that using “blind” to mean “can’t understand or comprehend” is ableist, and I promise not to use it like this again.)

Anyway, UNSURE, the lesson to learn from these two shitty relationships isn’t, “No more relationships for me! I can’t trust my own judgment!,” but instead, “The next time everyone in my life tells me that the person I’m with is shitty or that we’re shitty for each other, I’ll end it.” To be clear: I’m not telling you to substitute the judgment of your friends and therapist for your own, UNSURE, but to supplement your judgment with theirs—unless you want to empower your friends and your therapist to make an arranged marriage for you, in which case you can substitute their judgment for your own. —Dan Savage

I don’t have a super high sex drive, so I generally have sex once or twice a week and mostly for my husband. He prefers sex at night, but I am generally exhausted and disinterested by that point. However, in the mornings I am often horny. Problem is my husband has a medical condition that makes morning sex uncomfortable for him. I occasionally masturbate in the mornings, but I’d rather be screwing him. Do you have any suggestions for how I can teach myself to be horny at the end of the day? —Sexual Time Zones

Disco nap—get some sleep early in the evening, STZ, fuck your husband when he comes to bed, watch some television until you’re ready for bed, then enjoy a bonus wank in the AM after he gets up and leaves. —DS

Over the years I have participated in a few threesomes with a friend. We’re not really attracted to each other, so we have mostly focused on our guest stars. We have kissed and groped each other during these sex sessions, but otherwise we’ve been pretty hands-off with each other. Here’s the dispute: I say we’ve had sex and I am justified in adding him to my Body Count, he says just being naked in the same room doesn’t count. What do you think? —Mansplain Arithmetic To Homos

Won’t mansplain, will Dansplain: Let’s say you were naked at a warehouse sex party and your friend was naked at that same warehouse sex party, MATH, and you were fucking one guy at one end of that warehouse and your friend was fucking some other guy at the other end of that same warehouse. That wouldn’t count, MATH, since even if you were naked in the same room, you weren’t having sex with each other. But if you were fucking some dude’s ass while your friend fucked that same dude’s throat—in a warehouse or a bedroom or an RV at Burning Man—then it would count. Threesomes are sex, MATH, and if you and your friend have had threesomes together, then you and your friend have had sex with each other. (While I don’t like to police the language people use when they talk about sex—I support abolishing the language police—I’ve never liked the expression “Body Count.” While using “My Number” to mean your total number of sex partners is boringly literal, reading about literal body counts in the news every day makes me want to keep “Body Counts” out of my sex column.) —DS

I’m a gay man in his late 20s living with my boyfriend. We are monogamous but I have a hard time being faithful. I’m in love with my boyfriend, he is caring and sweet, and the sex is good. But sometimes I feel this hunger inside of me. I desire other men. I look around at work or at the gym or when I’m out shopping, and all these other men turn me on. I cheated on my boyfriend once when we were on holiday together. I did it in a clumsy, selfish, and inconsiderate way, and my boyfriend saw me. I felt bad about it and apologized. I want our relationship to work because I love him, and we are such a good team. Please give me some advice on how to control myself, because right now I feel it is almost inevitable that I am going to cheat again and wind up losing the man I love over nothing. —Is Needing Love Over Variety Endurable?

If your boyfriend can forgive you and you can learn to lust after other men without touching them, INLOVE, you can make this monogamy thing work. But don’t kid yourself: However much you love your boyfriend, you’re always going to want to fuck other men. And unless your boyfriend is a toaster with a dildo duct taped to it, he’s always going to want to fuck other men too. So, maybe instead of having to pretend you don’t find other men attractive—instead of having to lie to each other—you can give each other a little space, i.e., a little erotic autonomy. Be monogamous, yes, but go ahead and flirt with other guys, check hot guys out together, watch and share porn that turns you both on, and then plow all that sexual energy back into your relationship and into each other.

But if you wind up cheating again …

There are two ways to look at the cheating you’ve already done and the cheating you might do in the future: You’re a terrible person who can’t honor a monogamous commitment, INLOVE, or you’re a good person who shouldn’t be making monogamous commitments. It took me a while to realize that I wasn’t failing at monogamy, INLOVE, but rather monogamy was failing me. When I stopped making monogamous commitments I couldn’t keep, my committed relationship(s) began to thrive. If being in a closed relationship leaves you feeling frustrated and generates conflict—internal and relational—and your boyfriend doesn’t want to be in an open relationship, then you two might not be right for each other. Two people who aren’t on the same page where monogamy is concerned and can’t negotiate their way onto the same page, INLOVE, won’t and shouldn’t be together for long. You can still love each other, but as exes and friends, not boyfriends. —DS

Can you recommend a good lube, Dan? You see, this Joe Biden guy has been fucking us all in the ass for the last 16 months and it’s starting to hurt. Thank you in advance. —Fuck Joe Biden

Just for you, FJB, I’m gonna share my home-brew MAGA lube recipe: two parts ground glass, two parts Bengay, two parts pumicite, two parts Icy Hot, and all the “go fuck yourself” you have in the house. Enjoy. —DS

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I’m a 31-year-old queer person living in Europe. I recently met a 46-year-old man. We were visiting the same city for work and met on an app and went on a series of amazing dates. We have a lot of similar interests and work in parallel fields. Now we’re planning a trip to see each other. It’s partly a work trip for him, but we will take a vacation together after the work part of the trip for him is over. To get to the point, he makes a lot more money than I do. He has offered to cover as many of the costs as he needs to. I feel like I’m out of my league here! I really like him and he seems to really like me but I’m struggling to fight feeling like this is a “Daddy and His Boy” situation. Do I need to fight that feeling or lean in to it? It’s not a dynamic he said he wants. I don’t mind if we agree that’s what we are doing. But I don’t want to fall into a Daddy/Boy dynamic accidentally because of money and “status.” How do I date him like I would someone closer to my age and income? —Knowing Economic Position Tenuous

If the Daddy/Boy dynamic isn’t something you want (if it doesn’t turn you on and/or you worry it’ll make things weird), and it isn’t something he wants (assuming he didn’t just say that because he thought it was what you wanted to hear), then you definitely shouldn’t “lean in to it.” Instead, you should handle the expense of this trip the same way committed couples with large income disparities split the rent. If you were making 50K a year and he was making 150K a year and you wanted to move in together but weren’t ready to merge your finances, you should pay a quarter of the rent and he would pay three quarters of the rent. Same goes for utilities, food, and other expenses. 

But you’re not moving in together, KEPT, you’re just going on a vacation, so things can be a little looser. If you can afford to fly coach and he wants to fly first class, he should cover the difference between coach and first-class fares. If he wants to cover the hotel (a major expense), you should cover meals—maybe not all of them, particularly if he wants to eat in fancy places, but enough of them that it will be clear to you, to him, to your waiter, and to the angels and saints watching from heaven that you aren’t a kept boy. (Nothing will make you feel less “kept” than pulling out your own credit card.)

And the first part of the trip is for business and he would presumably be going with or without you, KEPT, you shouldn’t feel guilty about not paying for meals or the hotel on that leg—a hotel room he would be staying in with or without you, meals he would be putting on his expense account with or without you—but maybe treat him to a surprise excursion on that leg of the trip that you can afford (assuming either of you wants to leave your hotel room at this stage of your relationship).

The kind of disparities you describe—in ages, incomes, and the stages of your respective careers—are something almost all couples have faced, or in the case of income and career advancement, something most couples eventually face. But don’t spend too much time thinking about how you’re going to make this work over the long-term; you just met, you really liked each other, and you’re both willing to travel long distances to keep seeing each other. That should be your focus right now, KEPT. If he wasn’t comfortable covering most of the expenses, he wouldn’t have offered to do that. He could have spent his vacation time in the city where you live instead. Of course, there’s a chance it was a trick offer—he offered to cover the expense of the trip expecting you would turn it down—and he’s going to punish you in some passive-aggressive way for taking him up on it. If that happens, well, you can go back to dating boys closer to your age and tax bracket and/or well-off guys who don’t play games. —Dan Savage

I’m a single and kinky gay man, doing mainly vanilla dating at the moment. Recently, I got dumped by a guy because I fessed up to being kinky. I also told him I believe in God. I realize that might appear contradictory, but I don’t see why both can’t coexist. He told me he can’t date anyone who’s sexually deviant who also believes in “fairies at the bottom of the garden.” Both were equally problematic for him: my belief in God and my kinks. I wasn’t expecting to be both kink-shamed and God-shamed in the same breath. Are there such things as kinky Christians? Where can I find my tribe? —Frustrated About Insultingly Terminating Hookup

One of the kinkiest guys I ever met—dungeon-in-his-basement kinky, flog-you-until-you-are-screaming kinky—was an Episcopal priest. So yeah, FAITH, there are kinky Christians out there. But instead of sitting at home alone wondering where your tribe is, get out there and find your tribe. Get on kinky dating apps, go to leather/fetish events, date some non-vanilla guy, make some non-vanilla friends. If you find a welcoming tribe and it turns out you’re the only believer, so long as no one judges or shames you, FAITH, join that tribe. If you meet guys who have a problem with your faith, they don’t get to be a part of your tribe. 

As for the guy who called you a sexual deviant, what the hell does he think he is? Without deviation from the norm, there wouldn’t be “normal” gay guys for that asshole to date at all. Some of us may deviate more than others, FAITH, but that’s as true for gay people as it is for straight people. —DS

A man I very casually “dated” for ONE MONTH more than 15 YEARS AGO—a man I have maintained a friendship with ever since—tells his new girlfriends that I am his “ex-girlfriend.” This disclosure causes a lot of unnecessary awkwardness between whoever his current girlfriend might be and me. I’ve told him he shouldn’t do that because I was never officially his girlfriend. For 99.999 percent of the time I’ve known him, we’ve been friends, compared to the .001 percent of the time when we were very casually dating. He says he doesn’t want to lie?!? But it’s not a lie to say we are friends! I hate the awkwardness that it causes between me and the women he dates now. They never have a chance to get to know and trust me. Help me explain this to him so he finally gets it! —Never His Girlfriend

He gets it, NHG. The awkwardness he’s creating between you and his girlfriend of the moment—the awkwardness you see as unnecessary and avoidable—is exactly what he wants. Introducing you as his ex makes things awkward with his current, and his current girlfriend’s intuitive sense that he’s either intentionally or thoughtlessly making things awkward makes him a less appealing partner. He doesn’t want a commitment or anything long-term, and instead of being honest about that, he’s weaponizing your existence to erect barriers between him and whoever he’s dating at the moment. He may not be doing it knowingly, but he’s doing it just the same, and it’s a shitty thing to do to a friend.

And the next time he does it, NHG, object and object loudly: “Don’t be ridiculous! I was NEVER your girlfriend!” —DS

Hey, everybody: The Southern Baptist Convention, the largest Protestant denomination in the United States, has always been terrible. It was founded in 1845 by supporters of slavery and the organization is still racist to its core. Leaders, churches, and preachers in the Southern Baptist Convention have also been the loudest antigay voices in the country for decades, and lately they’ve been loudly promoting the lie that gay and trans people—by simply existing—are somehow grooming children. Well, it turns out the groomers were in the building all along—in their buildings, in their megachurches, in their leadership—and they weren’t waving rainbow flags or reading from Heather Has Two Mommies. They were waving Confederate battle flags and reading from Leviticus. A blockbuster report released last week documents decades of sexual abuse committed by pastors and leaders of the Southern Baptist Convention. The same preachers who were accusing gays and lesbians of “coming for your kids” were the ones coming for your kids. And in them. As with all power-obsessed social conservatives, as with all Trumpers (and the Southern Baptist Convention is now a Trump property), every accusation—of corruption, of rigged elections, of sexual abuse—is an admission of guilt. —DS

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Straight guy here in a one-sided open relationship. My wife and I opened our relationship just for her and to females only so she could explore her bisexual side. I’m super proud of her for coming out and wanted her to feel fulfilled. When we agreed to this, I was naive and figured anything she experienced would be purely sexual and nothing more. She recently caught feelings and now has a girlfriend. She stays at her girlfriend’s place one to two nights a week. I get jealous and sick to my stomach when she is over there. She has that “new relationship energy” and talks about her girlfriend all the time. Aside from the jealousy, I feel like I am not a priority. I’m hoping my feelings get better with time. Besides this, our marriage is great. I love my wife very much and want to support her in this. Are one-sided open relationships something that can work? Are my feelings unjustified? What can I do to better deal with them? The logic used when we talked about a one-sided open relationship was that I can’t satisfy the female side she desires. But since I’m hetero, I don’t have an “unfulfilled” side. —Home Alone

Your wife isn’t the first person to come out as bisexual after making a monogamous commitment to an opposite-sex partner and then ask for permission to sleep with other people without wanting to extend the same permission to their straight spouse. Since she’s bi and can’t get pussy at home, the reasoning goes, she should be allowed to get pussy elsewhere. Since you’re straight and can get pussy at home (when that pussy is at home), you’re not entitled to the same allowance. But as your wife is demonstrating, HA, it’s not just pussy she’s getting elsewhere. While she’s getting one very specific need met outside your relationship—admittedly a need you can’t meet—she’s getting a lot more than that. In addition to pussy, she’s getting variety, adventure, unique experiences, new relationship energy, and two overnights a week. Why shouldn’t you have some of that too? Not to even the score, but to feel like you’re an equal partner in this marriage and, as such, entitled to equal terms, equal treatment, and equal benefits.

And it doesn’t sound like you two were on the same page when it came to what opening your relationship entailed. You seem to have assumed—or figured—that your wife would be seeking sex elsewhere, sex and only sex, but your wife “caught feelings” and now she has a girlfriend. Agreeing to a one-sided open relationship is not the same thing as agreeing to one-sided polyamory. If you didn’t agree to that, HA, your wife had no right to expect that from you or impose that on you.

That said, one-sided open relationships can be great, HA, but they work best when the person who isn’t seeking sex outside the relationship either isn’t interested in having sex with other people or is turned on by the erotic power imbalance of being forbidden something their spouse is allowed—basically, this could work if you were a cuckold. Which you’re not. —Dan Savage

I’m a straight man who has been married to a wonderful woman for 35 years. I’m the only person she has ever been with. Over the years she has evolved into a wonderful, giving partner open to things that turn me on. I take pride in being able to give her multiple orgasms although she only wants to do this about once per month. She has been happy to give me pleasure multiple times per month even, but she talks about it like it’s a chore (“wifely duties”) and is always asking me why I want it so much. I tell her it is more normal for men to want it more, and I wish she would want it more as well! I have used porn to get off since my teens. She accepts this because it means fewer chores for her, but she doesn’t like it. Recently I started using my phone to take videos of her performing oral on me as I enjoy watching this and it cuts down on the porn. She checked my phone and was upset at what she saw. I told her I was sorry, but she says I should have asked for permission. I told her I would have asked for permission, but I knew the answer would be no! She said of course it would be no and she called it sick and gross! I tried to explain again that it is normal behavior for most men to want to watch and it is for my eyes only! As I said, she has evolved, as early in the marriage she would have never done some of things she has learned to do while pleasuring me! Long story short, any words of advice on this sexy-for-me, not-so-much-for-her activity? —Sincerely Appreciate Your Advice, Sweet Savage

It’s not OK to take photos or videos of someone performing a sex act without their consent, SAYASS, even if that someone happens to be your wife. Even if that someone happens to have a lower libido than you do, even if that someone would rather you not look at porn, even if that someone enjoys most of the things you want them to do—not only isn’t it OK, SAYASS, it’s a crime. It’s not normal behavior, it’s asshole behavior—and, again, in most places it’s literally criminal behavior. So your wife has every right to be upset. You violated her and did so knowingly; you say you didn’t ask for permission to make those videos because you knew she would say no. Dude. If your wife had been writing to me, SAYASS, I would advise her to get a lawyer and divorce you. —DS

We hear so much about the all-important commitment to monogamy in marriage. What about the less emphasized but clearly important commitment to a healthy sex life? I’m a straight man. I’ve been married for about 20 years. I’ve never cheated on my wife, although I’ve come close in recent years. My wife and I had a healthy sex life for the first 10 years. For the last 10 years, we haven’t had sex at all. We are both in our late 40s, athletic and attractive, and neither of us has any overwhelming physical or mental problems. My wife is just so engrossed in her work and personal identity that she has stopped caring about sex. It’s all well and good to say, “You need to talk about this with her,” but I know from years of experience that would be futile. She refuses to discuss it. And she has made it clear that if I were to do anything outside the marriage, it would amount to an unforgivable betrayal. I vacillate between acceptance, frustration, bitterness, and deep anger. Yes, I signed on for monogamy. But what did she sign on for? Can a woman or man in a monogamous marriage unilaterally cut off sex for no reason and still expect or demand monogamy, as my wife does? What do I owe her? And what does she owe me? Despite this issue, we are good partners, good friends, and good parents to our two teenage children. Protecting them from the trauma of divorce and not hurting my wife are the reasons I stay in the marriage. But it doesn’t feel right or fair that I have to be monogamous, that I will never experience physical intimacy again, not so much as a kiss or a touch, for the rest of my life, because my wife decided she is finished with that part of her life. What do other people think? —Saddened Over Love’s Omissions

People in the comment threads at savage.love have been taking me to task recently for being too quick to give my blessing to cheating … so instead of answering this one myself, I’m going to open it to the commenters: What do you guys think SOLO should do? Personally, I don’t think a person can insist on monogamy while refusing to meet their partner’s reasonable sexual needs. (Well, a person can insist on it, but they shouldn’t expect it.) Please don’t tell SOLO to talk with his wife. He’s tried talking about it—he’s tried again and again for 10 years—and his wife refuses to discuss it. So, gang, what should he do? Should he do the “right thing” and get a divorce? Or should he do what he needs to do to stay married and stay sane? —DS

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I am a 29-year-old woman, and I have a problem when I have sex or masturbate. I always feel an annoying pain, a stinging sensation in my vulva, at the entrance of the vagina, that does not allow me to enjoy it, as the pain is too overwhelming. Unfortunately, this situation has led me to avoid having sex or masturbating in order not to feel that pain. I have consulted several gynecologists, but no anomaly or infection of any kind has been found. With the last doctor, we also talked about a possible psychological component, but apparently, even on this level, everything seems normal. Do you or an expert have advice for someone with a problem like mine? —Lost And Baffled Inside America

“Vulvodynia, or pain in the vulva, is unfortunately very common, and it sucks,” says Dr. Rachel Gelman, a clinician, pelvic floor specialist, and author based in San Francisco. “But there are a variety of treatment options and providers that could help LABIA out.”

Dr. Gelman says it’s good that you’ve already had infection ruled out as a possible cause. But there are lots of other things that could be going on—nerve irritation, inflammation, hormonal imbalance, something genetic—and she urges you not to give up until you find an answer. And while Dr. Gelman is too polite to say it, I’m an asshole, so I’m just going to blurt it out: It’s shocking that not one of the gynecologists you consulted referred you to a pelvic floor specialist.

“The muscles inside the pelvis, aka the ‘pelvic floor,’ and the surrounding musculature can contribute to or cause the pain LABIA is describing,” says Dr. Gelman. “Just like tight muscles in the neck can cause pain in the shoulder, arm, or jaw, a tight muscle inside the pelvic floor can cause pain at the opening of the vagina. A pelvic floor physical therapist like myself would be able to assess and treat this kind of muscle dysfunction, which would decrease LABIA’s symptoms and get her back to enjoying sex.”

But don’t stop at just getting a referral to a pelvic floor specialist. “Due to the fact that so many systems live inside the pelvis which impact the vulva, several specialists may be needed to investigate and treat the potential causes of LABIA’s pain,” says Dr. Gelman. So, in addition to seeing a pelvic floor specialist, Dr. Gelman recommends you consult with a vulvar specialist. (You can find a list of vulvar specialists at the website of the National Vulvodynia Association: Go to nva.org and click on the link to their “health care provider list.”)

“A vulvar specialist would be able to perform appropriate tests to tease out what is going on beyond what a general gynecologist may look at,” says Dr. Gelman. “And it’s important to note that the tissue around the vaginal opening is highly dependent on hormones to stay happy and healthy. Certain medications or medical conditions can impact hormone levels, which can in turn impact vulvar tissues and lead to pain. There are also underlying inflammatory conditions that could also be causing this pain.”

And even if you don’t have an underlying mental health or psychological condition, LABIA, the pain you’ve suffered—along with the resulting sexual deprivation—sounds like a lot, and talking about it with someone could help you reconnect more quickly with your ability to take pleasure in this part of your body again.

“The brain is powerful and having vulvar pain or any kind of sexual dysfunction can be mentally draining, which can further exacerbate pain,” says Dr. Gelman. “So a good sex therapist may also be a helpful ally here. Bottom line, vulvar pain is common and typically requires a team of providers—but help is out there.”

Find Dr. Rachel Gelman online at pelvicwellpt.com and on Instagram @PelvicHealthSF. —Dan Savage

I’m a young gay man who needs to break up with his boyfriend. I know it, my friends all agree, I even think it’s what he wants. I’ll spare you the messy details. I just need a push. Maybe if you tell me to do it, Dan, I’ll do it. —Just Another Word

Marry him. —DS

I’m a man in his 30s in Boston. I just got ghosted and want some advice on how to handle it. I matched with a woman online, also in her 30s, and the conversation seemed good, and we agreed to meet for a drink. On the day of our planned date, I get a text saying, “Hey, I’m having a really bad day and I don’t want that to be your first impression of me. Can we reschedule?” That seemed reasonable, so I agreed. Later in the week I asked what she was up to on the weekend. I didn’t get a response until late Sunday: “I thought I replied. I’m so sorry!” I took her at her word that it was a mistake, and we rescheduled drinks. The afternoon before our rescheduled date for drinks, I texted to confirm where and when we were meeting. We agreed to meet at 7 p.m. At 6:40 p.m., I got a text from her number: “This is Boston EMS. Gertrude wanted us to let you know she won’t make it to the date.” I responded promptly, asking the paramedic what happened and if Gertrude (not her real name) was alright, and the paramedic replied that she was fine and actually more worried about me than herself. In the evening I get a text from Gertrude saying, “OMG! I’m so embarrassed! I’m so sorry!” She explained she had a seizure. I texted her the following day to ask how she’s feeling, but received no answer.

Here is my conundrum. I have no way of knowing for sure if both situations were out of her control (her bad day, her seizure) and she’s too embarrassed to answer my texts right now or if she stood me up twice in really shitty ways and used a health crisis as an excuse the second time. I would love to hear your feedback. I have enclosed screenshots of our text messages for your review. —Blatant Lies Or Constant Kerfuffles

Hmm.

The text messages Gertrude sent you were far less interesting—and far less revealing—than the tiny photo of Gertrude at the top of them. The woman in the photo is conventionally attractive (extremely so: thin, toothy, blond, skinny), and she looks more like a teenage girl than a woman in her 30s. (Indeed, a Google image search on the picture didn’t find a match, but all the “very similar images” that came up were of teenage girls.) So I’m going to climb out on a very short and very sturdy limb here, BLOCK, and tell you that the person in the photo isn’t the person you’ve been messaging with. That’s why Gertrude keeps making excuses to call off your dates—increasingly ludicrous excuses.

I mean, take this paramedic nonsense. Dude. If Gertrude was able to hand her phone to a paramedic and ask that paramedic to find one particular guy in her contacts and then send that one particular guy a message canceling a date … then Gertrude was well enough to send you that message herself. And even if sending text messages and canceling dates were services paramedics provided—and they’re not—asking a paramedic to let a date know you’re having a seizure isn’t something a person having a seizure can do because that person is having a seizure.

So, yeah. The problem here is not that Gertrude is too embarrassed to respond to your text messages about finally getting together for that drink, BLOCK, it’s that Gertrude is too nonexistent to ever show up for that drink. You most likely won’t hear from her again, but if you do, it’ll be a request for money. I shouldn’t have to say, “Don’t send her money,” but I’m going to say it just in case you’re really as gullible as your letter makes you seem: Don’t send her money. —DS

Email your Savage Love questions to questions@savagelove.net.

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I have a problem. (How’s that for an opener?) I’m a 60-something cis woman with a 30-something cis man lover. The problem is my vagina is extremely tight. Also, sometimes I bleed a little bit after PIV and then urinating burns, but only briefly. We are only able to hook up about every other week, so frequency isn’t going to “stretch me out.” I had previously been diagnosed with vaginal atrophy, which for many women can result in pain during PIV intercourse. We’ve been using Uberlube with silicone, which has helped but it still gets painful. Any suggestions? I’ve been on an estradiol vaginal insert for three months, which helps my overall dryness but not PIV so much, although he has said I feel softer inside. I could really use some help because as much as I love having sex with him, I’m going to have to pause PIV altogether due to my discomfort. I also will say that before him, it had been 17 years since I’d had sex. I find this embarrassing to admit, but it may be information that will help you answer my questions. —Age-Gap Enhancing Intense Sexual Treats

P.S. He propositioned me. I was initially mortified but I have since overcome my ageist bias against relationships with large age gaps. Oh, and last night I experienced the “luxurious” sensation of having my anus licked for the first time!

“Vaginal atrophy is very common in women and people with vaginas, and it can make not just PIV but any type of penetration painful,” says Dr. Lori Brotto, a clinical psychologist, author, and sex researcher at the University of British Columbia. “And while Uberlube is a fantastic external lubricant that makes sex more comfortable, it does nothing to moisturize the vagina.”

Dr. Brotto says your hunch—that more frequent penetration might help—is correct, but you don’t have to wait for your lover to return to experience it.

“There are well-known advantages to regular vaginal dilation for people who have not had penetration in a long time,” says Dr. Brotto. “I would recommend that in between the times AGEIST has sex with her partner, she uses a dilator—or uses a dildo—to engage in solo vaginal penetration. She should do it at least once per week, with copious amounts of lubricant, and use it while fantasizing or enjoying erotica, to stimulate her mind’s arousal.”

You don’t have to simulate fucking with a dilator or a dildo (and a dilator in this case is just a dildo by another name); instead, gently insert the lubed-up dilator, remember to breathe, and then—once it’s all the way in—read some erotica or watch some porn. And then, if you’re feeling it, masturbate to climax. And then, when you’re with your lover, do the same but with his dick. Get his P in your V without it being about his pleasure. It’s about yours. When you do feel ready to let him fuck you, don’t feel obligated to endure it until he finishes. Only let him fuck you for as long as it feels comfortable and/or good for you, and then pivot to something else you both enjoy if he hasn’t finished.

Dr. Brotto also suggests that you talk to your gynecologist about switching to a different vaginal estrogen delivery system—there are tablets, creams, and rings in addition to the inserts you’re using—while at the same time adjusting your dose.

“She also might also consider seeing a pelvic floor physiotherapist in case some of the discomfort is arising from pelvic floor tightness,” says Dr. Brotto. “Pelvic floor physiotherapists have very effective exercises to deal with vaginal pain. Additionally, some positions can create more pain in an already painful vagina, so AGEIST and her lover should try different positions. And since the length and girth of a partner’s penis can also be a contributing factor, some couples use OhNut (ohnut.co), which are a series of rings that can be placed at the base of the shaft of the penis to reduce the length.”

It’s also important that you’re feeling aroused—not feeling dread—when your lover is on his way over. Knowing you can look forward to what works for you and makes you feel good, and knowing that he doesn’t expect you to grin and bear what doesn’t (even if that means taking PIV off the menu for now), will not only be the best way to make sure you feel relaxed and aroused, but it’s also the quickest way to get PIV back on the menu. Good luck.

Follow Dr. Lorri Brotto on Twitter @DrLoriBrotto. And you can see Dr. Brotto in the new Netflix docuseries The Principles of Pleasure, which premieres on March 22. (The first episode focuses on the erogenous parts of a woman’s anatomy, AGEIST, and Dr. Brotto suggests you watch it with your partner!) —Dan Savage

P.S. No need to put “luxurious” in scare quotes when you’re talking about anilingus!

I’ve been dating the same guy on and off for 20 years. I met him in my 20s and I’m now in my 40s. Even though we’re nothing alike—I’m kinky and adventurous, he’s extremely vanilla—we always come back together. The problem is, any time we have the slightest disagreement, he stops talking to me, usually for weeks, sometimes for months. The last time it happened was when I moved a year ago. He was helping but he snapped at me because he didn’t hear my directions, and I got upset. He didn’t speak to me for 11 months! I reached out to him repeatedly, but he only responded recently. We made plans to meet. But when I call him to ask when he’s picking me up, he says, “I forgot I had other plans tonight”! It’s an event I’m not allowed to attend, because “he’ll be working,” but his ex-girlfriend is coming. It’s fine for her to be there, but not me, the person he’s known for 20 years! I got mad, of course, and asked him to call me after the event. And he didn’t. I can’t show any disapproval without him ignoring me indefinitely, and even though it’s always been this way, it still hurts. Months of silence for something that wasn’t even a full-on argument seems extreme, and I have no idea why he does this. I’m just trying to figure him out. —Infuriatingly Mysterious Silences After Disagreements

You can’t make a long-term relationship work with someone who responds to routine conflicts—the kinds of conflicts you’ll face almost daily in any relationship lasting longer than a weekend—with months of the silent treatment. Well, maybe a person can make a relationship with someone like that work; you’ve been making this work for 20 years, IMSAD. My point is, you shouldn’t try to make a relationship like that work. You’re wasting a lot of time and emotional energy trying to figure out a guy who really isn’t that hard to figure out. I mean, the Nancy Drew novelization of this mystery would have just one page, IMSAD, and it would be the title page: The Not At All Mysterious Case of the On-Again, Off-Again Boyfriend Who Is an Asshole and Whose Number You Should Block and Delete.

Stop calling this asshole, stop sitting by the phone waiting for this asshole to call you, stop fucking this asshole when he shows up, stop thinking about fucking this asshole when he’s off sulking and/or fucking someone else. The effort you’re putting into making this relationship work would be much better spent trying to find a guy who isn’t an asshole and who shares your kinks. —DS

My boyfriend and I have been together for six years. We have a great relationship, he’s very caring and thoughtful, and we survived the pandemic together, so I think we’re very compatible. I’m in my late 30s now, and I’m starting to realize that time is running out if I ever want a baby. The problem: My boyfriend is 30 years older than me. If he were 45, he would be a great dad, but it doesn’t seem fair to have a child with a man who is almost 70. He doesn’t have children from his previous marriage, so this would be his first. Should I let go of the man I love to see what else is out there and find someone more suited to a future that hopefully includes a child? Or do I take the plunge with my boyfriend and hope for the best? —Tick Tock Bio Clock 

Let’s say you dump the old man you love—an old man who could live for another 20 years—to go find a younger man. How long would that take, TTBC? A year? Two? Because it’s not just a guy closer to your own age you need. You have to find a guy you like, a guy who wants children and wants them soon, and then date that guy long enough to fall in love with him. And then you’re going to have to live with that guy long enough to know you aren’t going to fall out of love with him anytime soon. And if it doesn’t work out—if the first guy you pick isn’t the right guy—you’re going to have to start all over again. And before you know it, TTBC, you’re 50.

As I see it, TTBC, you have three possible choices/likely outcomes to choose from here: having to get out there and find a new guy who wants a kid, having to date as a widowed single parent if your current boyfriend dies while your child is still young, or having to date as a single parent if the relationship you rushed into with some 30-something dude you barely knew after dumping the 60-something man you loved didn’t work out.

In your shoes, TTBC, I would go with the guy I’ve got—the known quantity—over a stranger I hadn’t met, might never meet, or might come to regret meeting. —DS

P.S. You don’t mention discussing this with your boyfriend. Does he want to have a child? That seems … germane.

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